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Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum?
My boyfriend of 4 years does not have a job, a GED or a driver’s license. He’s been living in his friend’s parent’s basement for a year and doesn’t pay them rent. He tells me he has a hard time becoming motivated to do things, and I should sit him down and make him fill out applications, and to study for the tests. I’ve tried several times, but it always feels like I’m doing the work for him.
Earlier in our relationship he moved an hour away and our relationship was still strong, he had a job and we’d always go do fun things when we got the chance to see each other. Now we see each other every week and we don’t do anything. Sit and watch TV and I do my homework. All he ever talks about is his online game.
Should I give him an ultimatum?
What should I say?
I’m not employed, because I just finished my job training and haven’t found employment yet, and am going to school full time.
Normally I don’t agree with ultimatums but extreme situations call for extrme measures. Doing absolutely nothing is not acceptable – or it wouldn’t be to me anyway. Not working is fine if you’re busy doing something else productive like going to school.
You can encourage him and support him in looking for a job but as an adult we can’t expect someone to hold our hand thru life. His motivation to get a job should be self respect and a feeling of fulfillment and pride that comes from doing a job well and helping to support his family. You can’t give him that it’s something he needs to go out and earn on his own or it won’t mean anything.
I advise you to be very wary of a future with this guy. I’ve seen to many girls married to guys who won’t keep a job. It’s extremely stressful on them because they end up as the sole support of the family, plus taking care of the house and kids and everything else becasue their husband is to busy playing video games 24/7. These relationships end up as more of a mom and child situation instead of a husband and wife partnership and resentment builds and builds till everything falls apart.
I would tell him that you love him and you want to spend your future with him but that you need a partner in life. Tell him that you can’t tell him how to live his life but that the person that you choose to share your life with will need to be someone who will have a job and help support you and your children. Someone who understands what it means to be an adult with the self respect that comes from knowing that he’s doing everything he can to carry his share of the load and isn’t being a burden to those he loves. Tell him that you really want that person to be him but that right now he isn’t showing you that side of him. Tell him that you’ll be there for him, that you’ll encourage and support him in whatever job he wants but that you won’t do it for him. He’s probably going to get mad but try to stay calm and just tell him how you feel.
Good luck on this but you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he won’t change. I believe that people can change but it’s not easy. Remember that at some point you’ll need to decide whether or not this is something you can live with. If you decide to spend your life with him don’t do it expecting him to change. If you can live with him not working that’s your decision but make sure you’re really able to live with it for a lifetime. I have to say tho, marriage is hard with both people working hard to carry their weight, I can’t imagine being with someone that I had to support.
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